Car Names You'll Never See

Ever wonder who decides what the names of cars should be? I'd like to know. But whoever it is, I'll bet anything that there are a few names they will NEVER use. Relatives rolled in last weekend for a family wedding and we had a few spare minutes so we passed the time making up car names for cars that will never be. (Names of individuals participating have been changed to protect the innocent—er—sort of innocent—participants.)

10. The Ford Fungus—A personal favorite. I can really see this model in a mottled greenish-grey.

9. The Hyundai Hopeless—The advantage to this car is that you don't have to drive it off the lot for it not to work. It's hopeless. Just take it to the mechanic and forget you ever saw it.

8. The Dodge Danger—An SUV with attitude.

7. The Honda Hiccup—Available in pickup model as the Hiccup Pickup, this car drives beautifully but always feels like the spark plugs need to be replaced.

6. The Nissan Nausea—Particularly built for people like me who couldn't stand the "new car smell" that came with our new cars in the late 70's. Keep your eyes on the horizon, eyes on the horizon...

5. The Subaru Smash—There are some things that you'd rather not have become a smash hit. Your car is one of them.

4. The Volkswagen Varmint—Forget the Beetle, Mustang, and Thunderbird. This baby rolls them all into one.

3. The Lincoln Luxury Lemon—It comes with all the worst features you can think of. There always has to be a lemon, and since Lincoln starts with l...

2. The Volvo Victim—We're not sure who the victim was, but it could have been the person with the bill of sale.

1. The Kia Pet—Need I say more? Smear on the seeds and don't park in the garage when it rains.

Runners-Up: The Cadillac Crunch, Toyota Ticket, Suzuki Sabotage, and Porche Push.