Friday, December 4, 2009

Captain's Blog—War Zone

Stardate: Black Friday

My mission? To try to eradicate those body snatching aliens who turn mild-mannered individuals into crazed lunatics from the hours of 4 A.M. to 1 P.M. on Black Friday. The timid need not apply for this mission.

Nothing at the academy has prepared me for the shock of Black Friday. As I donned my regulation army boots, fatigues, and a 40 pound pack, I wished for those standard issue gas masks, just in case one of those insane shoppers had tear gas canisters hidden in her tote-disguised-as-a-purse. My first stop was a JMart (names have been changed to protect the innocent), where I did a survey of the interior. Shoppers were packed in like sardines. This was bad, because from what I understand, the snatchers can race from human to human faster than a blue light special, driving them to maniac lengths to obtain the bargain of their desire.

It was near electronics that I made an almost fatal mistake. A wife yelled a message to her husband, who was standing down the aisle about 20 feet. Thinking that she had said, "Bob, they only have one 200 dollar big screen TV left," I relayed the message. Instantly, the eyes of fifty shoppers in my vicinity glazed over, and they made a mad rush for the opening of the department where I was standing. If it hadn't been for the heroic actions of an employee armed with a heavy gage shopping cart who headed them off, I'd have been toast.

Store by store, it was the same. We called for reinforcements, and even they began to wear down as the battle raged on. At last, victory. Our mission accomplished. The body snatching aliens had been driven off for another year, making it safe for mankind to shop once again.

Merry Christmas

P.S. You do know this was totally fiction, right? (Twilight theme here.)


  1. Yes I do because as I remember it you didn't even go out on black Friday. I did. And since I went to Cabelas we didn't have the mad rushing crowds that Wal Mart had.

  2. But the thing is, at Cabela's you're wondering what they're armed with.